From the time we were young we have all faced bullies in our lives and nobody likes the way a bully pushes people around and intimidates them. You would think that being a bully is something that one grows out of over time, but the reality is that many people, who were bullies when they were young, continue to bullies as adults. Bullies create a toxic environment wherever they go and if you work with one you may be vulnerable to their aggressive behaviors. This will cause you to experience more stress at work and it could keep you from advancing in your career if you do not learn how to deal with them.
Studies have shown that bullies are not really as tough as they act. Most bullies suffer from low self esteem and their hard outer core of aggression is actually a cover up for a weak inner core of insecurities. The reason they put up such a strong front is to deter people from seeing them for who they really are. Most people never confront bullies for fear of making them mad. This ability to intimidate people leads the bully to believe they can always get away with their destructive actions and they become even more aggressive towards those who shy away.
It is true that confronting a bully alone can lead you into a confrontation that you are not equipped to deal with, but there are ways to stop them. When you realize that your ability to perform well at work or to advance in your career is being inhibited by a bully, you will see the need to deal with the situation. You may not be able to put an end to their corrosive behavior, but you can take steps to keep them from bullying you. Here are some things you can begin doing today:
• Study your company’s policies and procedures manual to see if there is anything that addresses harassment in the workplace. If there is, you need to follow those guidelines.
• Begin to record your encounters with the bully. A paper trail record of their abuse will prove beneficial if you have to take your concerns to a supervisor.
• Do not engage in antagonistic behavior. A bully’s strength comes from being able to pull people into their anger field. It is best to ignore their antics and walk away.
• Keep yourself from getting into a confrontation where you may become a part of the problem and lose your ability to take your concerns to your supervisor.
• Continually remind yourself that this person is not going with you when you leave the company or advance in your corporation. Forward thinking will enable you to put the current irritating event into prospective.
• Do not engage in inner-office talk about the bully. Remember the people you work with may be friendly, but they are your co-workers and you need to erect boundaries with them. Engaging in gossip will back fire on you in the future.
• If you need to go to a supervisor about the bully’s behavior make sure you are in control of your emotions so you do not come across as weak and unable to cope with inner-office conflict. Have your evidence at hand and only speak about the facts of the circumstance.
Using these assertive techniques will enable you to deal with the bully without losing your cool and without jeopardizing your position at work. Your stress level will go down and you will feel more in control when you don’t let the bully in your environment control you.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Confidence Isn’t in the Coffee Pot
Have you ever drunk a strong cup of coffee and felt energized and ready to tackle any project? The feeling is exhilarating! I remember the first time I had a triple latte from Starbucks. Though I didn’t like the heart palpitations I did enjoy feeling alert and invigorated! I had a meeting to attend and I found myself being even more outgoing than normal. I was at the top of my game! But then when the caffeine high wore off I didn’t feel so good. I crashed hard! I almost fell asleep during the key note speech. I often refer to this experience when I teach on assertiveness.
You may be wondering what this story has to do with being assertive but I assure you it has everything to do with it. Authentic assertiveness is not something you can add to your life from any outside source. It is the main reason why I don’t just teach people how to “act” assertive. I see people who have been to assertiveness training seminars who are trying to implement everything they were taught. It is quite comical actually! They catch themselves slouching and they promptly sit up. They find themselves looking at the ground and quickly make eye contact. It is almost as if they are having uncontrollable spasms. The sad part is that when I see them a week later they have returned to their former way of communicating and they seem to be in a state of let down.
The reason this happens is because being assertive starts with building a strong inner belief system and having the confidence in yourself no matter what situation you find yourself in. Just like the cup of coffee incident, just trying to be assertive on the job or anywhere else will not work. It is not the authentic you and it will wear off over time. People will see right through your “act” and they will respond to you negatively. If you are a passive person it could devastate you emotionally and if you are an aggressive or passive aggressive person it may set you off! To truly be assertive you need to address your false, negative, or limiting belief systems.
What you believe to be true about yourself on the inside will eventually manifest itself on the outside through your words and actions. This is why I teach people how to be assertive from the inside/out. If you were raised in a home where children were to be seen and not heard and you never addressed that false teaching, you could find yourself not speaking up for yourself at work. If you were raised to believe that “money doesn’t grow on trees”, you may never ask for a raise because you don’t think you deserve it and you feel guilty asking. If you have a limiting belief that says without a college degree you can’t become rich, you may never pursue changing careers because you are afraid you won’t make it.
All false, negative, and limiting beliefs sabotage your personal and professional success! If you want to succeed it is important to spend the time addressing your belief systems and change them. Here is an easy way to begin to do this.
Write down a limiting belief. Then do your due diligence to find the truth that counters it. Write that truth below the limiting belief. Then write down the action steps you are going to take to change that belief. We know that it takes at least 21 days to change a habit and acting on a limiting belief is a habit, so be prepared to spend time transitioning through this exercise. Once your brain believes the truth you will begin to manifest words and actions that match the new inner belief.
Then when you communicate differently people will take notice and you will begin to see the positive results manifesting in your life. It is important to understand that as frustrating as it is for you not getting the results you want in life because you are passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, or manipulative, it is just as hard on the people you are in relationship with.
People would much prefer to deal with someone who is confident, self respecting, and in control of their mind, will, and emotions, than someone who is moody and unpredictable. I know that if you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs you are not happy with the results you are getting in life because I work with so many people who apply my methods and tell me how much better they feel once they change.
The question is: Do you value yourself enough to look within, address your beliefs and make the changes necessary to become successful? This is actually the first step in becoming an effective assertive communicator. You have to place value on your life or nobody else will. The choice is up to you.
You may be wondering what this story has to do with being assertive but I assure you it has everything to do with it. Authentic assertiveness is not something you can add to your life from any outside source. It is the main reason why I don’t just teach people how to “act” assertive. I see people who have been to assertiveness training seminars who are trying to implement everything they were taught. It is quite comical actually! They catch themselves slouching and they promptly sit up. They find themselves looking at the ground and quickly make eye contact. It is almost as if they are having uncontrollable spasms. The sad part is that when I see them a week later they have returned to their former way of communicating and they seem to be in a state of let down.
The reason this happens is because being assertive starts with building a strong inner belief system and having the confidence in yourself no matter what situation you find yourself in. Just like the cup of coffee incident, just trying to be assertive on the job or anywhere else will not work. It is not the authentic you and it will wear off over time. People will see right through your “act” and they will respond to you negatively. If you are a passive person it could devastate you emotionally and if you are an aggressive or passive aggressive person it may set you off! To truly be assertive you need to address your false, negative, or limiting belief systems.
What you believe to be true about yourself on the inside will eventually manifest itself on the outside through your words and actions. This is why I teach people how to be assertive from the inside/out. If you were raised in a home where children were to be seen and not heard and you never addressed that false teaching, you could find yourself not speaking up for yourself at work. If you were raised to believe that “money doesn’t grow on trees”, you may never ask for a raise because you don’t think you deserve it and you feel guilty asking. If you have a limiting belief that says without a college degree you can’t become rich, you may never pursue changing careers because you are afraid you won’t make it.
All false, negative, and limiting beliefs sabotage your personal and professional success! If you want to succeed it is important to spend the time addressing your belief systems and change them. Here is an easy way to begin to do this.
Write down a limiting belief. Then do your due diligence to find the truth that counters it. Write that truth below the limiting belief. Then write down the action steps you are going to take to change that belief. We know that it takes at least 21 days to change a habit and acting on a limiting belief is a habit, so be prepared to spend time transitioning through this exercise. Once your brain believes the truth you will begin to manifest words and actions that match the new inner belief.
Then when you communicate differently people will take notice and you will begin to see the positive results manifesting in your life. It is important to understand that as frustrating as it is for you not getting the results you want in life because you are passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, or manipulative, it is just as hard on the people you are in relationship with.
People would much prefer to deal with someone who is confident, self respecting, and in control of their mind, will, and emotions, than someone who is moody and unpredictable. I know that if you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs you are not happy with the results you are getting in life because I work with so many people who apply my methods and tell me how much better they feel once they change.
The question is: Do you value yourself enough to look within, address your beliefs and make the changes necessary to become successful? This is actually the first step in becoming an effective assertive communicator. You have to place value on your life or nobody else will. The choice is up to you.
Friday, November 13, 2009
“Water Cooler” Conversations That Promote Success
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a co-worker that left you feeling anxious or upset?
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with co-workers where everyone is complaining, but you don’t know how to exit the conversation or how to turn it into a positive one?
Do you find yourself replaying negative conversations in your mind and then find yourself acting negatively the rest of the day?
These scenarios happen daily in the work place. A person can go to work in a positive mindset and within hours become negative if they buy into the negativity of their co-workers. It is important to assert yourself and steer clear of “water cooler” conversations that do not promote individual or companywide success. The office is one place where you have the ability to choose who you associate with during your breaks or at lunch. One of your assertive rights is, “you have the right to surround yourself with healthy people.” This decision is up to you and if you want to succeed in life you have to be willing to make this decision.
It is important to understand that there will always be people in the office who are negative and who are on a mission to bring other people into their toxic environment. These people pollute the atmosphere of the office and ultimately destroy relationships between co-workers. Oftentimes these people have a “chip on their shoulder” and are angry at the world but they don’t know why. Their anger or frustration could come from a number of sources but until they are willing to address it, there is nothing you can do for them, except steer clear.
A person with a success mindset is someone who makes the decision to be so focused on advancing in their career that they ignore the inter-office turmoil. I say turmoil instead of conflict because conflict cannot be completely avoided but being a part of turmoil can. Another word for turmoil is chaos and the toxic environment a negative employee creates is chaotic. One reality I remind my clients of constantly is the fact that only one person is going with them when they get promoted or when they move to another company and that person is them. If you want to be successful your mindset has to stay positive and you have to choose relationships that will enhance your opportunity for advancement. Don’t let negative people sabotage your success!
If you find yourself in one of the scenarios I described earlier here are some ways to be assertive.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a co-worker that left you feeling anxious or upset?
If a co-worker begins to speak negatively about another employee, your boss, or the company, it is best to look them in the eyes and say, “It sounds like you are frustrated right now. I can empathize with your frustration because I have been frustrated at times, but I really do not have the time to help you work through this right now. Maybe you should go to the person and talk to them about it.”
This answer eliminates you feeling the need to fix the problem and it gives them the best advice, which is the reality that they need to deal with the situation in a healthy manner.
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with co-workers where everyone is complaining, but you don’t know how to exit the conversation or how turn it into a positive one?
If you find yourself in this situation you can respond to it in a similar way as you did with just one employee. You can excuse yourself and tell them you have to get back to a project you are working on. Once again you must realize that people who are complaining are people who have not learned how to be assertive. My dad used to say, “Holly, if you are on a ladder and someone is below you, it is easier for them to pull you down than it is for you to pull them up.” This was one of the best pieces of advice he ever gave me. It empowered me to pick my battles wisely. The chances of you turning the conversation in a positive direction with people who are already engaged in a negative one, is almost impossible. The best thing to do is walk away.
Do you find yourself replaying negative conversations in your mind and then find yourself acting negatively the rest of the day?
If you find yourself in this situation it is important to understand the function of the brain. When someone speaks negative words, those words are processed in the brain and put into a file very similar to a file on your computer. At that point those words are only an option for your brain to accept as truth. The minute you repeat those words they begin to give your brain a directive to accept those words as truth. In order to undo the affects of the negative words, you need to speak positively. This may take a few seconds or it could take several minutes. The length of time doesn’t matter. What matters is that you choose to replace them. You will begin to feel your body loosening up, your mind will begin to clear, and you will feel more relaxed. The brain has an incredible ability to rewire itself but it takes a concentrated effort on your part to make that happen.
Conversations That Promote Success
When choosing which conversations to engage in, it is important to know which co-workers are healthy and which ones are unhealthy. It is fairly simple to identify both types of people if you listen to them talk. An unhealthy co-worker continuously focuses on the negative aspects of the company or job and a healthy co-worker focuses on the positive aspects. It doesn’t mean that a healthy person won’t get frustrated at times but overall their conversations will be positive.
A simple way to keep track is to get a piece of paper and draw letter t on it. On the right arm of the t write the word healthy and on the left arm of the t write the word unhealthy. Think of your co-workers who are constantly negative and place their name on the unhealthy list. Do the same for the co-workers who speak positively and put their name on the healthy side. Keep this list in your desk and when a new employee comes on board you can add them to the list after you have engaged in a couple of conversations with them. This tool will help you begin to identify the people you need to learn to be more assertive with and you will not be caught off guard if a negative situation arises.
Remember that having a success mindset is up to you and the way you interact with co-workers will effect the way you think. So it is important to learn assertiveness techniques that will help you succeed in the workplace.
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with co-workers where everyone is complaining, but you don’t know how to exit the conversation or how to turn it into a positive one?
Do you find yourself replaying negative conversations in your mind and then find yourself acting negatively the rest of the day?
These scenarios happen daily in the work place. A person can go to work in a positive mindset and within hours become negative if they buy into the negativity of their co-workers. It is important to assert yourself and steer clear of “water cooler” conversations that do not promote individual or companywide success. The office is one place where you have the ability to choose who you associate with during your breaks or at lunch. One of your assertive rights is, “you have the right to surround yourself with healthy people.” This decision is up to you and if you want to succeed in life you have to be willing to make this decision.
It is important to understand that there will always be people in the office who are negative and who are on a mission to bring other people into their toxic environment. These people pollute the atmosphere of the office and ultimately destroy relationships between co-workers. Oftentimes these people have a “chip on their shoulder” and are angry at the world but they don’t know why. Their anger or frustration could come from a number of sources but until they are willing to address it, there is nothing you can do for them, except steer clear.
A person with a success mindset is someone who makes the decision to be so focused on advancing in their career that they ignore the inter-office turmoil. I say turmoil instead of conflict because conflict cannot be completely avoided but being a part of turmoil can. Another word for turmoil is chaos and the toxic environment a negative employee creates is chaotic. One reality I remind my clients of constantly is the fact that only one person is going with them when they get promoted or when they move to another company and that person is them. If you want to be successful your mindset has to stay positive and you have to choose relationships that will enhance your opportunity for advancement. Don’t let negative people sabotage your success!
If you find yourself in one of the scenarios I described earlier here are some ways to be assertive.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation with a co-worker that left you feeling anxious or upset?
If a co-worker begins to speak negatively about another employee, your boss, or the company, it is best to look them in the eyes and say, “It sounds like you are frustrated right now. I can empathize with your frustration because I have been frustrated at times, but I really do not have the time to help you work through this right now. Maybe you should go to the person and talk to them about it.”
This answer eliminates you feeling the need to fix the problem and it gives them the best advice, which is the reality that they need to deal with the situation in a healthy manner.
Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with co-workers where everyone is complaining, but you don’t know how to exit the conversation or how turn it into a positive one?
If you find yourself in this situation you can respond to it in a similar way as you did with just one employee. You can excuse yourself and tell them you have to get back to a project you are working on. Once again you must realize that people who are complaining are people who have not learned how to be assertive. My dad used to say, “Holly, if you are on a ladder and someone is below you, it is easier for them to pull you down than it is for you to pull them up.” This was one of the best pieces of advice he ever gave me. It empowered me to pick my battles wisely. The chances of you turning the conversation in a positive direction with people who are already engaged in a negative one, is almost impossible. The best thing to do is walk away.
Do you find yourself replaying negative conversations in your mind and then find yourself acting negatively the rest of the day?
If you find yourself in this situation it is important to understand the function of the brain. When someone speaks negative words, those words are processed in the brain and put into a file very similar to a file on your computer. At that point those words are only an option for your brain to accept as truth. The minute you repeat those words they begin to give your brain a directive to accept those words as truth. In order to undo the affects of the negative words, you need to speak positively. This may take a few seconds or it could take several minutes. The length of time doesn’t matter. What matters is that you choose to replace them. You will begin to feel your body loosening up, your mind will begin to clear, and you will feel more relaxed. The brain has an incredible ability to rewire itself but it takes a concentrated effort on your part to make that happen.
Conversations That Promote Success
When choosing which conversations to engage in, it is important to know which co-workers are healthy and which ones are unhealthy. It is fairly simple to identify both types of people if you listen to them talk. An unhealthy co-worker continuously focuses on the negative aspects of the company or job and a healthy co-worker focuses on the positive aspects. It doesn’t mean that a healthy person won’t get frustrated at times but overall their conversations will be positive.
A simple way to keep track is to get a piece of paper and draw letter t on it. On the right arm of the t write the word healthy and on the left arm of the t write the word unhealthy. Think of your co-workers who are constantly negative and place their name on the unhealthy list. Do the same for the co-workers who speak positively and put their name on the healthy side. Keep this list in your desk and when a new employee comes on board you can add them to the list after you have engaged in a couple of conversations with them. This tool will help you begin to identify the people you need to learn to be more assertive with and you will not be caught off guard if a negative situation arises.
Remember that having a success mindset is up to you and the way you interact with co-workers will effect the way you think. So it is important to learn assertiveness techniques that will help you succeed in the workplace.
Women Supervising Men - Benefits of Being Assertive at Work
If you are in a supervisory role at work and you have men in your department it is important to learn how to communicate with them. It is widely known that men and women communicate differently and a woman supervisor who understands this and works towards communicating more effectively will get better results from the men she supervises. If a woman does not learn how to communicate with men she will find herself frustrated, angry, and feel defeated in her supervisory position. This will cause her to carry her frustrations into her personal life because women have a difficult time letting things go once they leave the office, unlike their male counterparts.
Women tend to value the relationship aspect at work more than being in charge and being results driven. For a woman to be the most effective when supervising men she has to change this focus to a “pecking order” mindset. Men are at work for one reason and that reason is to advance in their career. They are not there to make friends, have their emotional needs met, or to socialize. They are goal oriented, success driven, and looking for ways to climb the corporate ladder. If a woman understands this and applies assertive techniques when communicating with them she will get the results she wants from the men in her department.
This is the same reason a coach can get a player to learn a new play but a wife has a difficult time getting her husband to put the toilet seat down. The man on the team knows if they implement the new plan of action their team has an opportunity to win the game, which also means personal success, and a possibility for advancement later in his career if he continues to listen to his coach and perform well. The “pecking order” has been established with the rewards for his adherence and respect being outlined by the coach, so the man will naturally listen and perform well.
This is how a woman has to approach the men she supervises. She has to have a game plan, be willing to give the orders in an assertive way, and show them the benefit if they listen and perform. Men want challenges they can overcome, tasks they can complete, problems they can fix, and goals they can accomplish. If you try to take the equality and friendship approach with men you will lose their respect and your department will suffer as a result.
If a woman doesn’t learn to do these things the men will not listen to her, they may look for a male supervisor for direction, and may even begin to give her orders. So it is very important for the woman to take the lead in her supervisory position if she wants to see positive results from the men on her team.
The way to accomplish this is to become assertive. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Women who are aggressive get labeled as “the dragon lady” or “witch” by the men she supervises. The men react to her the same way they react to the “mousy” woman. Being an assertive woman means you own your role as an authority, know the company policies and procedures so you can refer to them if your employees do not comply, and you use your supervisor or HR department as a support, not a crutch. You are in control of your emotions and you learn how to use an authoritative tone when you speak.
These things may not come natural because as a woman your brain is wired as a nurturer and an encourager. So it may be necessary for you to read books, take classes, or hire a professional coach to help you learn how to become more assertive. I understand that this takes time and effort but the benefit of doing it far out ways the time it takes to do it. If this seems like an overwhelming task it is important to remember that you are already spending a lot of time and energy at work, and away from work, trying to handle your frustrations. So the truth is you have the time it is just a matter of how you are going to use it. What you need to do is to learn how to shift your mental focus to something that will bring positive results in the workplace rather than the negative results you are getting now.
If you do this you will find you will become more positive, creative, and focused. You will also experience less stress both in your professional and personal life. You will gain the respect of both the employees and the management. It will also give you more opportunities to advance in your career because your supervisor will see the increase in the productivity in your department.
Women tend to value the relationship aspect at work more than being in charge and being results driven. For a woman to be the most effective when supervising men she has to change this focus to a “pecking order” mindset. Men are at work for one reason and that reason is to advance in their career. They are not there to make friends, have their emotional needs met, or to socialize. They are goal oriented, success driven, and looking for ways to climb the corporate ladder. If a woman understands this and applies assertive techniques when communicating with them she will get the results she wants from the men in her department.
This is the same reason a coach can get a player to learn a new play but a wife has a difficult time getting her husband to put the toilet seat down. The man on the team knows if they implement the new plan of action their team has an opportunity to win the game, which also means personal success, and a possibility for advancement later in his career if he continues to listen to his coach and perform well. The “pecking order” has been established with the rewards for his adherence and respect being outlined by the coach, so the man will naturally listen and perform well.
This is how a woman has to approach the men she supervises. She has to have a game plan, be willing to give the orders in an assertive way, and show them the benefit if they listen and perform. Men want challenges they can overcome, tasks they can complete, problems they can fix, and goals they can accomplish. If you try to take the equality and friendship approach with men you will lose their respect and your department will suffer as a result.
If a woman doesn’t learn to do these things the men will not listen to her, they may look for a male supervisor for direction, and may even begin to give her orders. So it is very important for the woman to take the lead in her supervisory position if she wants to see positive results from the men on her team.
The way to accomplish this is to become assertive. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Women who are aggressive get labeled as “the dragon lady” or “witch” by the men she supervises. The men react to her the same way they react to the “mousy” woman. Being an assertive woman means you own your role as an authority, know the company policies and procedures so you can refer to them if your employees do not comply, and you use your supervisor or HR department as a support, not a crutch. You are in control of your emotions and you learn how to use an authoritative tone when you speak.
These things may not come natural because as a woman your brain is wired as a nurturer and an encourager. So it may be necessary for you to read books, take classes, or hire a professional coach to help you learn how to become more assertive. I understand that this takes time and effort but the benefit of doing it far out ways the time it takes to do it. If this seems like an overwhelming task it is important to remember that you are already spending a lot of time and energy at work, and away from work, trying to handle your frustrations. So the truth is you have the time it is just a matter of how you are going to use it. What you need to do is to learn how to shift your mental focus to something that will bring positive results in the workplace rather than the negative results you are getting now.
If you do this you will find you will become more positive, creative, and focused. You will also experience less stress both in your professional and personal life. You will gain the respect of both the employees and the management. It will also give you more opportunities to advance in your career because your supervisor will see the increase in the productivity in your department.
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