Have you ever drunk a strong cup of coffee and felt energized and ready to tackle any project? The feeling is exhilarating! I remember the first time I had a triple latte from Starbucks. Though I didn’t like the heart palpitations I did enjoy feeling alert and invigorated! I had a meeting to attend and I found myself being even more outgoing than normal. I was at the top of my game! But then when the caffeine high wore off I didn’t feel so good. I crashed hard! I almost fell asleep during the key note speech. I often refer to this experience when I teach on assertiveness.
You may be wondering what this story has to do with being assertive but I assure you it has everything to do with it. Authentic assertiveness is not something you can add to your life from any outside source. It is the main reason why I don’t just teach people how to “act” assertive. I see people who have been to assertiveness training seminars who are trying to implement everything they were taught. It is quite comical actually! They catch themselves slouching and they promptly sit up. They find themselves looking at the ground and quickly make eye contact. It is almost as if they are having uncontrollable spasms. The sad part is that when I see them a week later they have returned to their former way of communicating and they seem to be in a state of let down.
The reason this happens is because being assertive starts with building a strong inner belief system and having the confidence in yourself no matter what situation you find yourself in. Just like the cup of coffee incident, just trying to be assertive on the job or anywhere else will not work. It is not the authentic you and it will wear off over time. People will see right through your “act” and they will respond to you negatively. If you are a passive person it could devastate you emotionally and if you are an aggressive or passive aggressive person it may set you off! To truly be assertive you need to address your false, negative, or limiting belief systems.
What you believe to be true about yourself on the inside will eventually manifest itself on the outside through your words and actions. This is why I teach people how to be assertive from the inside/out. If you were raised in a home where children were to be seen and not heard and you never addressed that false teaching, you could find yourself not speaking up for yourself at work. If you were raised to believe that “money doesn’t grow on trees”, you may never ask for a raise because you don’t think you deserve it and you feel guilty asking. If you have a limiting belief that says without a college degree you can’t become rich, you may never pursue changing careers because you are afraid you won’t make it.
All false, negative, and limiting beliefs sabotage your personal and professional success! If you want to succeed it is important to spend the time addressing your belief systems and change them. Here is an easy way to begin to do this.
Write down a limiting belief. Then do your due diligence to find the truth that counters it. Write that truth below the limiting belief. Then write down the action steps you are going to take to change that belief. We know that it takes at least 21 days to change a habit and acting on a limiting belief is a habit, so be prepared to spend time transitioning through this exercise. Once your brain believes the truth you will begin to manifest words and actions that match the new inner belief.
Then when you communicate differently people will take notice and you will begin to see the positive results manifesting in your life. It is important to understand that as frustrating as it is for you not getting the results you want in life because you are passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, or manipulative, it is just as hard on the people you are in relationship with.
People would much prefer to deal with someone who is confident, self respecting, and in control of their mind, will, and emotions, than someone who is moody and unpredictable. I know that if you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs you are not happy with the results you are getting in life because I work with so many people who apply my methods and tell me how much better they feel once they change.
The question is: Do you value yourself enough to look within, address your beliefs and make the changes necessary to become successful? This is actually the first step in becoming an effective assertive communicator. You have to place value on your life or nobody else will. The choice is up to you.
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Women Supervising Men - Benefits of Being Assertive at Work
If you are in a supervisory role at work and you have men in your department it is important to learn how to communicate with them. It is widely known that men and women communicate differently and a woman supervisor who understands this and works towards communicating more effectively will get better results from the men she supervises. If a woman does not learn how to communicate with men she will find herself frustrated, angry, and feel defeated in her supervisory position. This will cause her to carry her frustrations into her personal life because women have a difficult time letting things go once they leave the office, unlike their male counterparts.
Women tend to value the relationship aspect at work more than being in charge and being results driven. For a woman to be the most effective when supervising men she has to change this focus to a “pecking order” mindset. Men are at work for one reason and that reason is to advance in their career. They are not there to make friends, have their emotional needs met, or to socialize. They are goal oriented, success driven, and looking for ways to climb the corporate ladder. If a woman understands this and applies assertive techniques when communicating with them she will get the results she wants from the men in her department.
This is the same reason a coach can get a player to learn a new play but a wife has a difficult time getting her husband to put the toilet seat down. The man on the team knows if they implement the new plan of action their team has an opportunity to win the game, which also means personal success, and a possibility for advancement later in his career if he continues to listen to his coach and perform well. The “pecking order” has been established with the rewards for his adherence and respect being outlined by the coach, so the man will naturally listen and perform well.
This is how a woman has to approach the men she supervises. She has to have a game plan, be willing to give the orders in an assertive way, and show them the benefit if they listen and perform. Men want challenges they can overcome, tasks they can complete, problems they can fix, and goals they can accomplish. If you try to take the equality and friendship approach with men you will lose their respect and your department will suffer as a result.
If a woman doesn’t learn to do these things the men will not listen to her, they may look for a male supervisor for direction, and may even begin to give her orders. So it is very important for the woman to take the lead in her supervisory position if she wants to see positive results from the men on her team.
The way to accomplish this is to become assertive. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Women who are aggressive get labeled as “the dragon lady” or “witch” by the men she supervises. The men react to her the same way they react to the “mousy” woman. Being an assertive woman means you own your role as an authority, know the company policies and procedures so you can refer to them if your employees do not comply, and you use your supervisor or HR department as a support, not a crutch. You are in control of your emotions and you learn how to use an authoritative tone when you speak.
These things may not come natural because as a woman your brain is wired as a nurturer and an encourager. So it may be necessary for you to read books, take classes, or hire a professional coach to help you learn how to become more assertive. I understand that this takes time and effort but the benefit of doing it far out ways the time it takes to do it. If this seems like an overwhelming task it is important to remember that you are already spending a lot of time and energy at work, and away from work, trying to handle your frustrations. So the truth is you have the time it is just a matter of how you are going to use it. What you need to do is to learn how to shift your mental focus to something that will bring positive results in the workplace rather than the negative results you are getting now.
If you do this you will find you will become more positive, creative, and focused. You will also experience less stress both in your professional and personal life. You will gain the respect of both the employees and the management. It will also give you more opportunities to advance in your career because your supervisor will see the increase in the productivity in your department.
Women tend to value the relationship aspect at work more than being in charge and being results driven. For a woman to be the most effective when supervising men she has to change this focus to a “pecking order” mindset. Men are at work for one reason and that reason is to advance in their career. They are not there to make friends, have their emotional needs met, or to socialize. They are goal oriented, success driven, and looking for ways to climb the corporate ladder. If a woman understands this and applies assertive techniques when communicating with them she will get the results she wants from the men in her department.
This is the same reason a coach can get a player to learn a new play but a wife has a difficult time getting her husband to put the toilet seat down. The man on the team knows if they implement the new plan of action their team has an opportunity to win the game, which also means personal success, and a possibility for advancement later in his career if he continues to listen to his coach and perform well. The “pecking order” has been established with the rewards for his adherence and respect being outlined by the coach, so the man will naturally listen and perform well.
This is how a woman has to approach the men she supervises. She has to have a game plan, be willing to give the orders in an assertive way, and show them the benefit if they listen and perform. Men want challenges they can overcome, tasks they can complete, problems they can fix, and goals they can accomplish. If you try to take the equality and friendship approach with men you will lose their respect and your department will suffer as a result.
If a woman doesn’t learn to do these things the men will not listen to her, they may look for a male supervisor for direction, and may even begin to give her orders. So it is very important for the woman to take the lead in her supervisory position if she wants to see positive results from the men on her team.
The way to accomplish this is to become assertive. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Women who are aggressive get labeled as “the dragon lady” or “witch” by the men she supervises. The men react to her the same way they react to the “mousy” woman. Being an assertive woman means you own your role as an authority, know the company policies and procedures so you can refer to them if your employees do not comply, and you use your supervisor or HR department as a support, not a crutch. You are in control of your emotions and you learn how to use an authoritative tone when you speak.
These things may not come natural because as a woman your brain is wired as a nurturer and an encourager. So it may be necessary for you to read books, take classes, or hire a professional coach to help you learn how to become more assertive. I understand that this takes time and effort but the benefit of doing it far out ways the time it takes to do it. If this seems like an overwhelming task it is important to remember that you are already spending a lot of time and energy at work, and away from work, trying to handle your frustrations. So the truth is you have the time it is just a matter of how you are going to use it. What you need to do is to learn how to shift your mental focus to something that will bring positive results in the workplace rather than the negative results you are getting now.
If you do this you will find you will become more positive, creative, and focused. You will also experience less stress both in your professional and personal life. You will gain the respect of both the employees and the management. It will also give you more opportunities to advance in your career because your supervisor will see the increase in the productivity in your department.
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