Confidence Isn’t in the Coffee Pot

Have you ever drunk a strong cup of coffee and felt energized and ready to tackle any project? The feeling is exhilarating! I remember the first time I had a triple latte from Starbucks. Though I didn’t like the heart palpitations I did enjoy feeling alert and invigorated! I had a meeting to attend and I found myself being even more outgoing than normal. I was at the top of my game! But then when the caffeine high wore off I didn’t feel so good. I crashed hard! I almost fell asleep during the key note speech. I often refer to this experience when I teach on assertiveness.

You may be wondering what this story has to do with being assertive but I assure you it has everything to do with it. Authentic assertiveness is not something you can add to your life from any outside source. It is the main reason why I don’t just teach people how to “act” assertive. I see people who have been to assertiveness training seminars who are trying to implement everything they were taught. It is quite comical actually! They catch themselves slouching and they promptly sit up. They find themselves looking at the ground and quickly make eye contact. It is almost as if they are having uncontrollable spasms. The sad part is that when I see them a week later they have returned to their former way of communicating and they seem to be in a state of let down.

The reason this happens is because being assertive starts with building a strong inner belief system and having the confidence in yourself no matter what situation you find yourself in. Just like the cup of coffee incident, just trying to be assertive on the job or anywhere else will not work. It is not the authentic you and it will wear off over time. People will see right through your “act” and they will respond to you negatively. If you are a passive person it could devastate you emotionally and if you are an aggressive or passive aggressive person it may set you off! To truly be assertive you need to address your false, negative, or limiting belief systems.

What you believe to be true about yourself on the inside will eventually manifest itself on the outside through your words and actions. This is why I teach people how to be assertive from the inside/out. If you were raised in a home where children were to be seen and not heard and you never addressed that false teaching, you could find yourself not speaking up for yourself at work. If you were raised to believe that “money doesn’t grow on trees”, you may never ask for a raise because you don’t think you deserve it and you feel guilty asking. If you have a limiting belief that says without a college degree you can’t become rich, you may never pursue changing careers because you are afraid you won’t make it.

All false, negative, and limiting beliefs sabotage your personal and professional success! If you want to succeed it is important to spend the time addressing your belief systems and change them. Here is an easy way to begin to do this.

Write down a limiting belief. Then do your due diligence to find the truth that counters it. Write that truth below the limiting belief. Then write down the action steps you are going to take to change that belief. We know that it takes at least 21 days to change a habit and acting on a limiting belief is a habit, so be prepared to spend time transitioning through this exercise. Once your brain believes the truth you will begin to manifest words and actions that match the new inner belief.

Then when you communicate differently people will take notice and you will begin to see the positive results manifesting in your life. It is important to understand that as frustrating as it is for you not getting the results you want in life because you are passive, passive aggressive, aggressive, or manipulative, it is just as hard on the people you are in relationship with.

People would much prefer to deal with someone who is confident, self respecting, and in control of their mind, will, and emotions, than someone who is moody and unpredictable. I know that if you have false, negative, or limiting beliefs you are not happy with the results you are getting in life because I work with so many people who apply my methods and tell me how much better they feel once they change.

The question is: Do you value yourself enough to look within, address your beliefs and make the changes necessary to become successful? This is actually the first step in becoming an effective assertive communicator. You have to place value on your life or nobody else will. The choice is up to you.